This morning I was E-mailed the following information:

Investment advice …. Strange but true!

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214.

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

As Chief Executive of Southern Sponge plc, I am in the fortunate position to be able to offer you, in the current economically-strapped climate, a marvellous opportunity for higher return on your investment. I’ve not verified any of the above figures (can’t be arsed; I’ll get my launderers accountants to check them); but, clearly, now is the time to forget all that share-buying nonsense and invest with me. You’ll still lose, of course. But what do I care? You’ll get more money back than you would otherwise, and I’ll have a high old time pouring it into me finer stock than the above brand.

God, I love my work! (Hic!)