You probably won’t believe this, but if you did then that would be great, because then we’d never have to disagree, and I’d never have to behave as though I hadn’t read your words rather than grudgingly acknowledge you have a point, because I know I speak the truth! So don’t give me grief because I happen to think Star Wars is crap; or because I don’t find Only Fools and Horses particularly funny. The thing is you see… I have a wombat growing out of my head! Wot?! I have a wombat growing out of my head! Doesn’t matter to me if you can’t see it, because I know he’s there. What’s more, there is documentary attestation; it’s in my medical records. Yes – I went to my doctor:

……… “How can I help you?”

……… “Well, it started as a pimple on my ass.”

And I can’t shift it, no matter how much I scratch it, when all I want to do is just canoodle and gnaw and sleep and indulge in omphaloskepsis (except I can’t, because I don’t have… oh forget it). Nothing to do with me; leave me out of it. Having said that, it is giving me a bit of an advantage, this big tail I’m dragging around; as long as I keep it tidy and clean, and flatter it, and dress it in its belonging finery.

(Yes, I realise this is ridiculous (?). That’s kind of the point, really.)